From the Santa Cruz Sentinel…

The Counseling Corner: What to say when someone ‘comes out’ to you

DR. FREDERIC B. TATE - Special to the Sentinel

Article Launched: 07/15/2002 12:00:00 AM PDT

The past decade has seen many positive changes in attitudes toward gays, lesbians and bisexuals.

Yet increased tolerance does not always translate into acceptance.

Many gays are rejected by their family, friends and religious institutions. In some places they can be fired from employment simply for being gay and kicked out of the military if their sexual orientation becomes known.

Violence against gays is still far too common, and many gays, especially teenagers, feel isolated and lonely.

Gay teens are six times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts, and it’s estimated that half of the homeless and run-away youth in U.S. cities are gay.

When a person is willing to tell you that he or she is gay, there is a considerable amount of faith and trust being placed in you.

"Coming out," as it is commonly called, can still be a frightening and even dangerous act. When someone talks to you seriously about his or her sexual orientation, it is often because that person is seeking your understanding and possibly your help.

How you react is probably going to have a very real impact on the person. If it’s someone you care about and want to help, consider carefully how you respond to such an announcement.

For starters, don’t panic. You aren’t expected to have all of the answers. What’s important is that you listen and show concern and compassion.

Second, be nonjudgmental. If you have negative feelings about homosexuality, there’s no need to share them at this time.

Be an empathic listener and remember that the person making the disclosure must trust you to share such personal information.

Let the person know that you think he or she is brave to share something that may be quite frightening.

If you promise confidentiality, keep that promise. More than one individual has been harassed, fired from a job or physically harmed when news of their homosexuality was spread.

However, if he or she talks about feeling suicidal, getting help is more important than keeping a secret.

If part of the discussion is about needing assistance, try to help. Assure the person that he or she isn’t alone.

Offer help in getting access to information, counselors, organizations and support groups that are gay-friendly. Assist in locating bookstores and help lines, and access the Net for resources.

If the person is clearly seeking help, don’t let it be a one-time conversation. After a personal disclosure, some people may be embarrassed. You may have to seek them out for follow-up and support.

While these reactions can offer real help and support, there are also reactions that can do real harm.

Don’t pass off an admission of someone being gay as simply being "a phase" he or she is going through, or suggest he or she must first be sexually active with a member of the opposite sex to "be sure."

Young people, especially, do go through phases. Most gays and lesbians, however, knew from childhood what their orientation was.

We never tell heterosexuals to have sex with a member of the same sex to "be sure" that they are straight, and it is not helpful to make such suggestions with gays or lesbians.

Avoid referring the individual to conservative, religious groups that claim they can "alter," "cure" or "correct" sexual orientation.

It’s well proven that it cannot be altered. Trying to change someone who is homosexual into a heterosexual is as damaging as it would be to try to make a straight person gay.

Research for a 1990 report from the American Psychological Association found scientific evidence that these groups do incredible psychological harm to gays.

Remember, sexual orientation is not a preference or a choice.

Gays don’t pick their orientation any more than heterosexuals.

When someone we know comes out to us, our goal should be to support them and guard their confidentiality.

We should never attempt to change them, but to help them adapt to a society that is often less than accepting.

Gays do not want special rights, they simply want the same rights as everyone else.

Dr. Frederic B. Tate is a psychologist at Eastern State Hospital in Virginia. For more information about the American Counseling Association, visit www.counseling.org.