UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, SANTA CRUZ
PSYCH 80B; TONAY; WINTER, 2009
Only at rare moments is the love in one partner the same as that in the other.
Love is unconditioned by expectation, neediness, or the desire to change, control, or rescue anyone. It lets go and never clings or controls.
The starting point of our love for others is our sane and fearless love of ourselves. We love ourselves by showing our feelings, by being tender toward the places in ourselves we do not like or scare us, and by not staying in addictive or abusive relationships or circumstances. If someone is in a relationship in which he or she is diminished, it is not a loving relationship. We move on to horizons that offer nurturance.
Priorities are continually changing for each partner. The integrity of the union may not always be a priority.
No truly loving relationship takes away, or can take away, even one of your basic human rights.
Intimate relationships survive best with constant permission for ever-changing ratios of closeness and distance.
What creates distance in your relationship you may be using unconsciously to get distance.
No one can control or change someone else, nor is it necessary.
No one is loyal or truthful all of the time.
No expectations are valid, and not even agreements are always reliable.
Your partner may not always be a consistent, nurturant, or a trustworthy friend to you (nor you to your partner).
You are ultimately alone and able to make it alone.
There is no one person who will make you happy, keep you fascinated, love you as your favorite parent did, or give you the love you missed from your parents.
Most people in relationships seldom know what they really want, ask for what they really want, or show what they really feel.
Most people avoid or fear intimacy, consistent honesty, intense feelings, and uninhibited joy.
"Goodbye" is rarely said clearly; most people ease away wordlessly and avoid full confrontation.
No one is to blame when a relationship ends.
The end of one relationship will always require a space before another relationship can begin healthily.
It is normal for memories, regrets, the wish for revenge, and a recurrent sense of loss far, far to outlast the ending of a relationship.
One of your (or your partner's) parents is a phantom, but active, presence at the beginning, middle, or ending of your relationship.
The powerful appeal of someone new may tell you more about your own neediness than about the charms of the other person.
A relationship is a spiritual path since it consists of a continual
shedding of illusions.